If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
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When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.