@Just_Oh_Susanna

Like my parents always said, “you’re in the wrong house, you live next door”.

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@thentherewasmo

I’m not saying your cat doesn’t care about you, I’m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well

@behindyourback

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

@sanjanaa

Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?

@JosesLovesYou

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

@alexlumaga

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

@better_off_dad2

14: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about.’

@caitiedelaney

Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”

@KendalPeifer

my dog hates his nails getting clipped so my dad literally bought a purse & cut holes in it