Like my parents always said, “you’re in the wrong house, you live next door”.

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I’m not saying your cat doesn’t care about you, I’m saying if Lassie was a cat, Timmy would still be in that well


even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side


Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?


Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”


Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks


14: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about.’


Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”


my dog hates his nails getting clipped so my dad literally bought a purse & cut holes in it