@JustDontBugMe: Like my priest always says, "Your confessions are the reason I drink."
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@FrazzleMyGimp: FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh. [later] COP: Do you know why I pulled you over? ME: Uh oh, guess who's awoken the tickle monster?
@TheRobCee: Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
@pleatedjeans: [playground] Woman: which one is yours? My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
@3sunzzz: H: I'm going to fix our washer myself. M: Okay, I'm going to Lowe's to pick out our new washer.