Like my priest always says, “Your confessions are the reason I drink.”

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If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.


robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet


Me: Hey, just got back from a 3 hour walk.

Her: But it’s 20 below zero outside.

Me: I had mitts.

Her: Are you crazy?

Me: No…Canadian.


The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.


Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.


I really hope the Tesla board doesn’t force out Elon Musk because that it 100% how we get a Green Goblin scenario


I’m so hungover that my thoughts sound like Sylvester Stallone.


paramedic: can you tell me what happened

crash victim: I very briefly had a flying car


When I go to Victoria’s Secret, I just throw things on the floor to see how they’ll really look.


‘Two can play that game…’

-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work