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@JustDontBugMe: Like my priest always says, "Your confessions are the reason I drink."
@TheThryll: CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
@lovemydogduck: How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
@jenstatsky: you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
@truegritrumble: ME: I'm gonna plug my Twitter handle.
WIFE: Please don't.
ME: I'm gonna do it *walks to the microphone in front of the funeral*
@Brianhopecomedy: My buddy has a telescope but I don't think he uses it for astronomy. I asked what his favourite constellation was and he said, "Samantha".