If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Like my priest always says, “Your confessions are the reason I drink.”
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robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Me: Hey, just got back from a 3 hour walk.
Her: But it’s 20 below zero outside.
Me: I had mitts.
Her: Are you crazy?
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I really hope the Tesla board doesn’t force out Elon Musk because that it 100% how we get a Green Goblin scenario
I’m so hungover that my thoughts sound like Sylvester Stallone.
paramedic: can you tell me what happened
crash victim: I very briefly had a flying car
When I go to Victoria’s Secret, I just throw things on the floor to see how they’ll really look.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work