Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
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Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
me opening up to someone
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
😬
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
the clam before the storm
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling