Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
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I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time