like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
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Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
The devil.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time