Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
You Might Also Like
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.