@dhumann

Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.

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@GrantTanaka

having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler

@Brampersandon_

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

@Slygirl08

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

@Mr_Kapowski

[helping my kid with contractions]

Me: Would’ve

Her: Would have

M: Nice. I’ll

H: I will

M: Good. Won’t

H: Won not

M: Excellent

@Marlebean

Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

@heelyfanaccount

applebee’s waiter: what would u like to order

me: i’ll take the apple

waiter: we don’t actually sell apples

me, visibly frightened: ok then. [gulps] i’ll have the bees

@TheHistoryBook

“I was gonna go and save the princess, but then I got high..” – Super Mario

@chudneyspears

I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.