@dhumann

Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.

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@SCbchbum

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

@SteveKoehler22

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

@junejuly12

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

@DaddyJew

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: usually to my kids to just please go to sleep for the love of God

Judge: *wiping away a tear* I can respect that, case dismissed

@LoneWolfStories

Sometimes I like to surprise my neighbours by smiling and waving back at them.

@ArfMeasures

ME: What’s wrong?
WIFI: You’re obsessed with the internet
ME: Give me one example
WIFI: Look how you’ve spelled wife

@maryfairybobrry

It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us

@FatherWithTwins

Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing

@WilliamAder

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.