having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
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ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
[helping my kid with contractions]
Her: Would have
M: Nice. I’ll
H: I will
M: Good. Won’t
H: Won not
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
applebee’s waiter: what would u like to order
me: i’ll take the apple
waiter: we don’t actually sell apples
me, visibly frightened: ok then. [gulps] i’ll have the bees
How do you give up in a towel throwing contest?
“I was gonna go and save the princess, but then I got high..” – Super Mario
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*