I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
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sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
what does he know…
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
smh
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*