Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
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I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.