Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
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“Yous ain’t passin’!” – Gandolfini
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
No Twitter crush. I have a twitter boyfriend who I intend to marry and have twitter babies. Then twitter divorce and take all his followers.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Around 70% of the earth is made up of water, and the other 30% is filled with news articles about George Zimmerman