Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
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Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
then why did i get this email
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
excuse me
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.