Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
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Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
It was worth a shot 😂
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Meow
