Like your own tweets baby, no one will know anyway.
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I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
dads on road-trips be like
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched