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I’m at an age where “getting lucky” only means I have the house to myself…


If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.


My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.


I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair


Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.


A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.


“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.


I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.


Today I sat next to a girl on a bus and I watched her swipe left on me on tinder


I don’t understand why some snacks are “fun-sized”, there’s really nothing “fun” about having a smaller portion of food.