*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
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*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room