@MaryKoCo

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

You Might Also Like

@myboots111

I’m at an age where “getting lucky” only means I have the house to myself…

@WilliamAder

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

@IamEnidColeslaw

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

@chrisdowning

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

@Thynebear

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

@Jandalize

I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.

@OfficialYoniG

Today I sat next to a girl on a bus and I watched her swipe left on me on tinder

@autocorrects

I don’t understand why some snacks are “fun-sized”, there’s really nothing “fun” about having a smaller portion of food.