*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
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Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.