@drinksmcgee
Coworker 1: I’m sick. Everyone stay away from me.
Me: Yeah, everyone stay away from me as well.
Coworker 2: Oh, are you sick too?
Me: No.
@noog
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
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@drinksmcgee
@Darth_Pingu
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
@prufrockluvsong
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
@dougbies
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
@WhatsAGreenhorn
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
@NotJPo
I just ate so much Chinese food that now I’m able to use algorithms based on linear algebra to solve large numerical systems.
@Derpey
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side.
@dafloydsta
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
@kateberlant
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
@CopBroughtPizza
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.