@noog

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

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@drinksmcgee

Coworker 1: I’m sick. Everyone stay away from me.
Me: Yeah, everyone stay away from me as well.
Coworker 2: Oh, are you sick too?
Me: No.

@dougbies

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

@NotJPo

I just ate so much Chinese food that now I’m able to use algorithms based on linear algebra to solve large numerical systems.

@Derpey

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side.

@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

@kateberlant

Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch

@CopBroughtPizza

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.