@noog

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

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@minkpinkustink

look I don’t know what your problem is but I’ve got extra if you need to borrow one

@FuckabillyRex

If you’re the kinda person that gets antsy when people stand on an escalator instead of walking, try a blood curdling scream, they’ll move.

@FeverFlave

I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.

@djdarrellripley

Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..

@419BillE

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

@shutupaida

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

@_GrahamPatrick

GUY #1: You free next week?
GUY #2: Let me just check my dairy.
GUY #1: You mean diary yeah?

*cow walks by with “dentist 11.30” on it*

@FeelingEuphoric

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

@Browtweaten

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

@squirrel74wkgn

[helping son with math]

Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow