Coworker 1: I’m sick. Everyone stay away from me.
Me: Yeah, everyone stay away from me as well.
Coworker 2: Oh, are you sick too?
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
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Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I just ate so much Chinese food that now I’m able to use algorithms based on linear algebra to solve large numerical systems.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side.
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
cow: where does milk come from?
milk man: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.