@minkpinkustink
look I don’t know what your problem is but I’ve got extra if you need to borrow one
@noog
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
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@minkpinkustink
@FuckabillyRex
If you’re the kinda person that gets antsy when people stand on an escalator instead of walking, try a blood curdling scream, they’ll move.
@FeverFlave
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
@djdarrellripley
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
@419BillE
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
@shutupaida
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
@_GrahamPatrick
GUY #1: You free next week?
GUY #2: Let me just check my dairy.
GUY #1: You mean diary yeah?*cow walks by with “dentist 11.30” on it*
@FeelingEuphoric
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
@Browtweaten
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
@squirrel74wkgn
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow