O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
Lil Wayne is like if a doctor’s handwriting came to life.
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ME: any advice
DAD: its ok to embellish a little
[later at job interview]
INTERVIEWER: tell me about yourself
M: i wrote harry potter
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
if your grave doesnt say “rest in peace” on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war