Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
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ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)