[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
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I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.