*limbos away from your hug*
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If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
December birthdays be like…
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.