Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
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We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.