[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
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My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
This rocks
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
guys I’m going home
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Damn he played himself
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?