Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
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i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock