Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

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Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.


[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what


I miss being stalked. Especially now that I’ve gotten old and easy to catch.


Do they make a scale that says things like “Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?”


Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.


It’s stupid that “girl” and “world” are rhymed together so much in songs when “squirrel” is right there for the taking.


Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny


So far 0% of white men in suits find it it funny when I lean in and whisper ‘scary costume’.