@hobo_hands

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

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@Storminika

Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn’t good enough on Idols, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.

@Deno_Tron

Roommate has date coming by later and asked me to clean bc he’s not home. So I made a Princess D shrine in his room

@EmberToAsh

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

@wizdom

A real boyfriend will blow up his girl’s phone when she’s mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she’ll see his effort.

@david8hughes

If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.

@AnOrangeSNES

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*