@hobo_hands

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

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@JohnHilsen

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

@realHamOnWry

I miss being stalked. Especially now that I’ve gotten old and easy to catch.

@sammyrhodes

Do they make a scale that says things like “Those shorts probably weigh, what, like 15 pounds?”

@amishschool

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

@jwalkonthemoon

It’s stupid that “girl” and “world” are rhymed together so much in songs when “squirrel” is right there for the taking.

@Chhapiness

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

@SofieHagen

So far 0% of white men in suits find it it funny when I lean in and whisper ‘scary costume’.