Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn’t good enough on Idols, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
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Roommate has date coming by later and asked me to clean bc he’s not home. So I made a Princess D shrine in his room
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I need better friends
Whatever you need to tell yourself, Amazon
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
A real boyfriend will blow up his girl’s phone when she’s mad at him. She may not want to answer, but at least she’ll see his effort.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*