@LoveNLunchmeat

“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”

-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie

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@GrandadJFreeman

Me: For Christmas I want a girlfriend/boyfriend Santa: Let’s be realistic lol

@Darlainky

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

@dafloydsta

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen

@Marlebean

They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*

@foxnerdrn

Why is it that when your dog brings you things he’s killed it’s cute, but when I do it we have to get the police involved?

@Toofpick78

Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right.

Here I am stuck in the middle of this Batman themed children’s party.

@ewfeez

GENIE: you have found my lamp, so I must grant you four wishes
ME: I thought it was three?
GENIE: You need four

@TheTweetOfGod

Only an idiot would stand outside in a hurricane just to go on camera and say that only an idiot would stand outside in a hurricane.

@amitjain1002

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

@DaddyJew

Doctor: have you been drinking?

Me: no, your honor