@GrandadJFreeman
Me: For Christmas I want a girlfriend/boyfriend Santa: Let’s be realistic lol
@LoveNLunchmeat
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
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@GrandadJFreeman
@Darlainky
If your spouseโs loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
@dafloydsta
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
@Marlebean
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
@foxnerdrn
Why is it that when your dog brings you things he’s killed it’s cute, but when I do it we have to get the police involved?
@Toofpick78
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right.
Here I am stuck in the middle of this Batman themed children’s party.
@ewfeez
GENIE: you have found my lamp, so I must grant you four wishes
ME: I thought it was three?
GENIE: You need four
@TheTweetOfGod
Only an idiot would stand outside in a hurricane just to go on camera and say that only an idiot would stand outside in a hurricane.
@amitjain1002
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
@DaddyJew
Doctor: have you been drinking?
Me: no, your honor