“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
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10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.