[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
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Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Meanwhile in Portland…
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw