Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Lindsay Lohan says she can’t walk down the street without men chasing her. They’re drug dealers Lindsay pay your debts..
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Manager just called me ‘part of the problem’, and I feel so offended.
Mostly, I’m the whole problem.
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I can’t prove God isn’t real, but at the same time, I can’t prove that my dog doesn’t run a violent Asian street gang while I’m asleep.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?