@TheToxicWaster

Lindsay Lohan says she can’t walk down the street without men chasing her. They’re drug dealers Lindsay pay your debts..

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@david8hughes

Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.

@FellowIdle

Manager just called me ‘part of the problem’, and I feel so offended.

Mostly, I’m the whole problem.

@SvnSxty

Me: Hello?

Satan: I’d like to make a return

Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL

@NotThatNixon

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

@ClichedOut

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

@ermahgarton

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

@Jayson_Two_time

Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..

That’s when you push him in.

@OctopusCaveman

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

@lazerdoov

I can’t prove God isn’t real, but at the same time, I can’t prove that my dog doesn’t run a violent Asian street gang while I’m asleep.

@BMcCarthy32

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?