@TheToxicWaster

Lindsay Lohan says she can’t walk down the street without men chasing her. They’re drug dealers Lindsay pay your debts..

You Might Also Like

@aissalanis

Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.

@TheAlexP

Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a mosquito.

Mosquito: what does that mean?

God: you feed on blood.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire?

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: you can fly.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire!

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: garlic repels you.

Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!

@GuyThe_Guy

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.

@Browtweaten

Date: I like to take things slow

Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I

@Lisa_Laughs_

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

@bfrosty04

Sometimes when I’m sad, I’ll go to the park and, from a distance, look thru my thumb and index finger and begin squishing people’s heads…

@BuckyIsotope

*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous

@ItsAndyRyan

‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.

@AndyAsAdjective

Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.