Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Lindsay Lohan says she can’t walk down the street without men chasing her. They’re drug dealers Lindsay pay your debts..
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Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Me: I can’t work today.
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Sometimes when I’m sad, I’ll go to the park and, from a distance, look thru my thumb and index finger and begin squishing people’s heads…
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.