“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
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People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*