“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
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One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life