@surrealvehicle

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.

@TheCatWhisprer

Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.

@ADDiane

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

@JamesonN7

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

@T_Bonezzz_

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

@chudneyspears

My phone: Would you like to save this password?

Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!

@globetrottgirl

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?

@KentWGraham

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.