@surrealvehicle

[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

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@Social_Mime

I’m a sensible person, and I’ll also take off my glasses to smell something better.

@Frankly_Drebin

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

@TheRealAlSnow

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .

@GoldenSpirals

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

@OtherDanOBrien

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

@UrbanDouchebag

Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I write a letter to a prison inmate to tell them how much better my life is than theirs.

@PretendMunchkin

Nothing like watching a 2 year old with her head stuck in her shirt collar.

I’m gonna let her fight it out for a bit.

Snacks anyone?

@_SingleBabyMama

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

@NurseSeymour

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

@Darlainky

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.