Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
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Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
You’re never too old to disappoint your parents.