[Lingerie store]

ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.

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me: this is a stick up!

bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around

me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed

bank teller: lol first time?

me: is it that obvious?

bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie


Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava


Kanye West Presents:



“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”


Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.


sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom


My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.


Wife: *packing a bag*

Me: Where are you going?

W: I’m leaving you for my boss

M: Don’t go—

W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind

M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note

W: I despise you


Probably a good thing I’m not a ghost cause I’d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.