[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
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Xylophonist Shredding It
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
*skinny dips into black hole
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH