LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
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If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
the short answer to this question
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not