My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
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Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her