Lion King is my favourite movie about an innocent baby animal. Being framed for murder.

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I’m sorry I poked your baby with your selfie stick but I didn’t really know what to do with either of them.


Jesus:*turns water into wine

Guy: thanks but I’m in AA, I’ll just have the water

J: *not knowing how to turn it back* well this is awkward


Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.


I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY


Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting


I keep a Batman costume hanging in my closet in case I bring a girl home and she finds it


ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair


Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*


[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again