@SherBoBer: Lion King is my favourite movie about an innocent baby animal. Being framed for murder.
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@WilliamAder: In a perfect world, the phrase "axe body spray" would only be used to refer to blood splatter patterns.
@WheelTod: [Busy Diner] Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?” Me (highly educated): “In a sense...” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”...Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
@mantej: God was truly looking out for me today — I opened a bag of air and found a few Lay’s potato chips inside.
@UrbanDouchebag: Sometimes it's nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.