@Audenary

LION: Lions don’t lose sleep over the opinion of sheep.

SHEEP: Shaun thinks your mane looks ridiculous.

LION: *upset* Shaun said that?

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@MarfSalvador

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

@gorrdano

McDonalds employees get so cranky when you perform the entire dance routine to Britney Spear’s “I’m a slave for you” before ordering.

@BradBroaddus

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

@nyquills

Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.

Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom

Snape: omg same

@illuminateddino

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

@soul_crazzy

In the beginning, God made Heaven and Earth… The rest was made in China.

@Kids_kubed

Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?

Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth

@Pork_Chop_Hair

You: Help! I’ve been shot!

Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.