[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
LION: Lions don’t lose sleep over the opinion of sheep.
SHEEP: Shaun thinks your mane looks ridiculous.
LION: *upset* Shaun said that?
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I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
McDonalds employees get so cranky when you perform the entire dance routine to Britney Spear’s “I’m a slave for you” before ordering.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
In the beginning, God made Heaven and Earth… The rest was made in China.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.