Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
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*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Air pods looking like an angry frog
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
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