Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
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Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Bed should get ready for ME
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.