Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
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george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
*orders delivery*