@ThugRaccoons

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

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@Tommytoughstuff

*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.

@LittleMissAngr1

I see you pull into my driveway and my heart races. My loins burn. My tummy flutters. I love you, food delivery man.

@NintenDom

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

@murrman5

“when people say different color bell peppers taste different”
[doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically

@MJMcKean

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

@DevilryFun

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

@DanMentos

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

@Breadery

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.