Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

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*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.


I see you pull into my driveway and my heart races. My loins burn. My tummy flutters. I love you, food delivery man.


It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.


“when people say different color bell peppers taste different”
[doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically


Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.


There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.


My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy


Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.


All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.