Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
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Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
secret recipe
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time