*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
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boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Milk Cube
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
how was your vacation
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Just this preview of the story is enough
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]