@krisv_723

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

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@lifeofvjr

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

@thepaulahunt

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

@GinAndJif

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

@NurseMurderer

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”

@Stella1070

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

@TheWadest

*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”

@Contwixt

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

@daddydoubts

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

@TheToddWilliams

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

@daemonic3

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?