*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

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Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.


Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.


Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.


This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”


I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.


*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”


You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.


Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.



MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”


1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?