Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
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I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Every BBC series about the universe.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?