“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
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I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead