[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
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I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
me after eating Cheetos
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
some cats are just doing for fun!
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.