Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
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Love this guy
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Coffee for people with no kids
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Nothing.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.