list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
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Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend