list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
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For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!