listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
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[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son