listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

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my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it


The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to “watch a movie” is actually watching a movie.


Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.


“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.


what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free


The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.


[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that


I was voted “most friendly” at my high school in 10th grade.

It was at this point in my life that I knew serious changes were in order.


Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo


Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way