@IvoryGazelle

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

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@dlicj

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

@trevso_electric

The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to “watch a movie” is actually watching a movie.

@o__0Dev

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

@KentWGraham

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

@wolfpupy

what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

@AClkwrkStarfish

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

@generaldietz

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

@vexroid

I was voted “most friendly” at my high school in 10th grade.

It was at this point in my life that I knew serious changes were in order.

@Browtweaten

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

@Just__J0

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way