@GrantTanaka

listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa

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@DaddyJew

Honey, I’m stopping off at the liquor store, what do you want for Christmas?

@TheAndrewNadeau

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

@angeliav68

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…

@StrawburyDelite

Damn Shakira is doing Activia commercials too now. With all that belly dancing, you’d think she’d be able to shit. Who knew.

@shadonium

Kid: What’s a man?

Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally , cares about you and protects you.

Kid: When i grow up, I’ll be a man like mom

@Chumpstring

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

@CantWaitToNap

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

@fightforfood

When you guys describe me to your families do you use the word tigress? I’d prefer if you included tigress