listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
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I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?