Honey, I’m stopping off at the liquor store, what do you want for Christmas?
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
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Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Damn Shakira is doing Activia commercials too now. With all that belly dancing, you’d think she’d be able to shit. Who knew.
Kid: What’s a man?
Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally , cares about you and protects you.
Kid: When i grow up, I’ll be a man like mom
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”
Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
When you guys describe me to your families do you use the word tigress? I’d prefer if you included tigress
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.