@GrantTanaka

listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa

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@VisionBored1

I was looking at my four year old son, and the love and happiness I felt in that moment was so overwhelming I felt my eyes tearing up. He caught me looking, smiled, put one little hand on my cheek, and said, “Mommy I can see your moustache.”

@SketchesbyBoze

C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*

me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*

@AristotlesNZ

So sick of not knowing if a girl’s single. We need a symbol
“Rings?”
Not visible enough
“Screw it, lets put a dot on their foreheads”
-India

@inpoliteco

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

@LeonEarlgrey

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

@mrjohndarby

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

@Sanbel11

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

@juliussharpe

A guy just came into this restaurant by himself, ordered a plate of olives, ate them, and left. If you see something, say something.