Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body

My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?

Me: *raises hand*

Them: Get out.

“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”

“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”

“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”

My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.

COP: Quick, stun him!

ME: *performs perfect somersault*

me: thanks for the new bath toy

her: you’re welcome

me: oh and it makes toast too?

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

skydiving instructor: is this your first time?

me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or

I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place

every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried

[guy next to me at urinal]

“Is that a 5 or 6?”

…about 5-1/2 I guess.

“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”

*zips up* No.

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.

I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.

“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978

Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”

Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”