Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
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always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier