Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
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I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
I have so many questions.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.