On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
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NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Comment on every picture of someone’s dog, “What is this”
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.