@PhilJamesson

listen closely

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@WheelTod

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

@VerbsRProudest

NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED

@Paige__xxx

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

@molly7anne

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

@Paxochka

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

@MaryKoCo

Comment on every picture of someone’s dog, “What is this”

@TheWinegasm

Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.

It’s science.