listen closely
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Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.