I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
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I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card. It sends the message that education is a priority in our household and it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren’t that bright.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
6: 5 square red blocks.
6: I said RED!
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can’t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”